Last night, as the new year began, I though about my life and what it had been about. I realized that much of my life was driven by fear: fear of God’s wrath, fear of Satan, fear of destruction at Armageddon, fear of my ex-husband, fear of failure, fear of everything basically. 

When I got married I did it because I thought that was what I should do. I had not been taught to have ideas and goals of my own. I didn’t realize that I had choices and by the time I did, many of the choices were already made. I woke up in my early thirties, after having been married over 10 years and realized how unhappy I was. I was working full time and had three small children and a husband whose main concern was working and acquiring things. 
I was probably very depressed but I didn’t realize it. I was just trying to make it from day to day. My mother had been living with us for a few years and our house was filled with tension. I had lost myself entirely and I had, what I believe in retrospect to be, a nervous breakdown. It was around that time that my mother moved out. I stopped working and stayed home for a year.  I had long since stopped associating with the Witnesses but the effects of their teachings remained present in my mind. I never sought therapy, I was raised not to trust mental health professionals so I spent that year in self-analysis and exploration. I looked at the person I was and I didn’t like what I saw so it was then that I decided to change. I couldn’t imagine that the life I was living was what God had intended for me, not if he loved me at all.